Blog Anyone

Starting to quit smoking.

2012-02-29T16:42:00.001-08:00

So in about 4 hours I must quit smoking for good.Which will be fun to try and do but anything is possible. Let's see if I can do it!!! To save over $2000 bucks will be PERFECT in my mind.
Smoking cigs is all in your head.. So I must accomplish this goal. I will update you as of tomorrow the 1st, 3rd and 7th the 3 hardest days.

Here it comes, the feelings I seriously feel.

2012-02-28T18:13:00.002-08:00

Maybe after I write this, I will sleep at night.. My depression has come back full force! I totally can't control it anymore, I use to be able to hide it.. But now I can't, it's hard.. I don't even think anyone reads these. Which is fine, I just want to cry so badly & I can't. I'm haunted still so badly by my past.. Last year in Febuary court happened around this time, my ex's buddy was found NOT GUILTY... I regret even charging the guy, the cops wanted to know more of what I knew about these men I use to assoicate with. I told them, no I'm sorry. Find someone else, because I can't handle going through another painful thing ever again. Some people tell me, wow your so strong and crap. Honestly I feel I am. But there is days I just want to give up, turn around and walk another way! I have tried to write on here for a few weeks and haven't been able too. I finally got up the courage to do so because I need to stop feeling so stressed out about everything. It's hard, I hate being so caring so loving. Fuck it honestly gets me no where in life, it doesn't mean I'll stop caring about people and everything. But I need to stop caring so much with what people think or say to me when I know it's not true. Oh how it would feel nice to stop caring so much about life in general! I use to hate, and I mean HATE. Being nice and caring sweet and lovely dovy to everybody when I was younger.. It was fuck the world, and hate you all.. I was a bitch, if someone tried to fuck with me. I went ape shit on them, so of course I lost my family over it. I went into a treatment center, I got my ass back on track. Which is all good and dandy minus the fact I sit here wondering if I didn't change where would I be. I can answer it, I was already into drugs at 16 from weed, hash, oil, mushrooms, Inhaultion abuse. I was close to doing worse, cociane. I was hanging out with the wrong people, I would walk down the street with guys following me.. Thankfully I'm away from that past now. But I sit here & wonder. I wouldn't have the amazing friends I got now, an amazing boyfriend the best family ever. So now, "wooosh" I know what I need to do. Reliaze, I'm better than ever. Healthy, happy (as best as I can be) Family, Boyfriend & Friends are more important to me than ever. I don't want anything to change about it... I know I may be in a shitty mood and sad. But there is nothing I can do to change that, besides stay posteive. Get my ass outta my apartment and go go go..
& Reliaze, nothing in life is perfect. It's only you who creates your world you live in.. If you want it do be shitty, than you'll create a shitty atomosphere for yourself, if you want a good one! You will surround yourself around those who bring you the happiness you need. IT is you, who creates the world you live in nobody else. If you plan to be an ass, than the world is an ass. Remember people, not everything/everyone is as it seems you need to step out and explore and remember you are who you want to be.. I love you all very much, and remember to try your hardest in life.. I'm here for you all, even if you can't be for me. Because that is who I am, and I'm proud to be me.. So keep your head high, and stay stronger

p.s I'll try and write more again tomorrow

Trying to be different

2012-02-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

You know it's hard, being me. I cant stand the feeling of sometimes the stress I feel. It really sucks, family problems are the worst sometimes. Especially when you have nobody to really talk too. YES, I know I have a boyfriend who I can confide in. But why stress him out, when he has his own problems. Makes no sense, guess it's going to be one of those things. Which really hurts, there are days I just lay awake thinking. Thankfully I got an andriod now and place this game that needs my full attention in order for me to play... I sadly know not many people read this, if any. But that's fine, it's a way to express myself without SCREAMING because I'm going crazy. At least, I'm not to crazy. haha! But than again, who knows these days anyways... I try & relax, and do what I can. But all these problems, are bottling up. "sigh" SUCKS!! But who cares right? Thus is life, but ah well. Stress is all good in the end, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger & what kills you well your dead so who cares!!

But lately, my DVD player has been acting up. A movie gets good & it freezes. :( So lately I've been sitting here bitting my nails with what to do. SUCKS majorly. But what can you do, besides think to yourself what would life of been like for me without facebook, youtube, emails & everything else. I would of been at a LOST! I mean, no tv. No cars, stuff like that. It be intresting. That's for sure! BUT ah well, well goodbye..

V-Day Overated

2012-02-14T18:59:00.000-08:00

Anyone else agree? I seriously think it's just some over rated thing for companies to make billions of dollars & for what? To show someone you love them, it's not worth it! So not worth frigging spending what 100 dollars on flowers, when any other day they would be worth like 50 bucks? Buying chocolate that is to expensive and you just eat anyways as fast as you get it. I mean sure its the thought that counts, but do you really need a day to prove to someone you love them. I think it would be better on another day, your anniversy or something. I have no clue, I have my reasons why I hate V-Day I use to love it, until one day I had my heart ripped into pieces over my ex boyfriend cheating on me with some tramp & another one breaking up with me.. Just to much heartache. I still love my boyfriend though, he will get his gift some other day..

Febuary already

2012-02-02T17:53:00.000-08:00

WOW. Does time past or what? Its already the 2 month in 2012. Crazy, and its a leap year too... I'm doing good these days, minus the PMS I'm having right now. The joys of being a female, see males? We have it tuff too, we have not only the joys of getting are periods but having babies too. You have it easy!! Okay maybe some of you do. This weather lately, is so different. Snow than rain, than its beautiful out than watch out here will come some more snow in the next few days. So that will be fun, anyways. I'm finally going to do something, maybe go to the mall tomorrow? Get out for a bit, maybe go over to my parents & do some laundry. Fresh clean clothes would be nice, ah. I love the fresh of clean clothes, hehe. They are the best, especially when you have the warmth aroma in your apartment once you get home. BEAUTIFUL!

So the boyfriend cooked me an amazing dinner. RIBS that were cooking all day long, talk about mouth watering, and some mashed scrumpish potatoes. I honestly love the fact I got a man who can cook.. I made brownies, and mixed it in with icecream for dessert. mmmmm!! Trust me, it was so amazing...
Now I'm about ready to end this little blog, head over to the bathroom. RUN some hot water, and bubbles & have a nice hot bath. Because I need it, don't we all. HA!
Anyways, love you all.. Until next time.

People who love to steal

2012-01-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

Guess there is a lot of them around now a days. Everyone seems to think its the shizness to steal. Well let me tell you something. When you steal, your taking something away from someone.. Back in June of 2011 my apartment got robbed by some friends at the time I didn't know it was them. These fucking bastards are pieces of shit. The stole, my laptop some dvds my bike to get around town, my grandmothers ring she gave me before she did & many other things. The most important thing that got stolen was my grandmothers ring. Those mother fucking bastards are pieces of shit, and can rot and burn in hell and suffer for all etertiny for all I care.. I don't get it, what is so cool about stealing from people??? Because honestly, its just all bull shit and crap. Well I am done, nobody is ever being left alone in my apartment when I'm not around & it's not that I don't trust my friends. I just don't want it ever happening again to me.

A few days ago, my boyfriends truck got stolen. Yet again, who the fuck does this god damn shit? What type of career are you trying to do? Because get a real damn job if you ask me. We eventually got it back a few days later.. Everything was still in tact, NOT! The ignation has been ripped out, the door is fucked. I seriously hate people who do this kind of crap. Well, we went out and got a CLUB so nobody can fucking steel this truck now.. I'm at the point now, where I just can't stand the fact of being in this apartment building and rather live somewhere nicer! But haha that won't happen.. I'm so stressed out lately, I can feel myself ready to explode & its going to be any day now.4 years of bullshit adds up after time.. I love my boyfriend & love my friends. They are honestly the only ones that are keeping me sane right now.

Life, laughter & love

2012-01-20T17:30:00.000-08:00

You know one thing I always disliked about myself is that I have low self esteem. I get so annoyed, and stressed out easily lately. No I'm not PMSing.. I can't really explain it, because I don't know myself.. It's just stressful, there are days I just want to cry so badly.. I honestly think its this weather and I have that stupid depression SAD. I can't be sure though, but honestly who knows me better than myself? Lately all I wanna do is yell at people who have hurt me so much in the past. But honestly that will do nothing. I know I got amazing friends who are the greatest and I love them dearly. But it's just so hard, I sometimes feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I mean, I'm not a BIG partier... Which means I never ever drink, and when I do I hate it! I justdon't know what I'm gonna do. I feel so stressed out, I wanna treat myself to something but what is the question? When your broke all the time, trying to provide myself so I can pay rent, eat and have my bills paid on time.. It's fucking impossible, GOD DAMN life just bites you in the ass.

2012 was going to be a good year and it still will be. Just right now, I'm not doing so good..I kind of just want to go for a walk, and blare my ipod. But where will that get me besides being deaf after from playing my music so fucking loud... Sometimes, I just want to drink my problems away. But honestly i'm not doing that either because sure I may be drinking some problems away, but i am also creating more for myself... life is crappy sure, but no reason to drink until your passed out. My ex boyfriend was like that, and it seriously has got him know where his 24 years old, and is stupid as fuck. Steals to drink, uses people never sees his son. Not cool in my mind, but whatever. He wants to drink 24/7 than so be it. I'm glad his no longer in my life. Actually I kicked all of my exs out of my life. 2012 is a fresh start, no more ex boyfriends.. They aren't even my friends! One was, for a long time but honestly it's just fucking awkard. Life is so much better without them in my life. You know what else that sucks about 2012. So many people believe the world is going to end? I have no clue if its going to or what, but nobody can be the judge of that in my mind.. Well at least thats what I think! Lately, I have these dreams. So real it seems, just can't figure them out yet.. But I will deffintly keep thinking and figuring out what these dreams mean if anything.

Laughter I hear is the best medicene. I'm sure they are right, but meh lately I just can't seem to get into a good state of mind.. Things keep making me get pissed off and wonder shit.. I don't know how to explain it or if I even want too... Whats the point? Some things I just can't say, I bottle it up until I'm really to say it & when I do people hear me. At least thats the way I look at it, and it has nothing to do with my friends or boyfriend not really even my family... It's just me trying to deal with things, and having trouble doing so. So as life moves on, I will eventually learn to deal with it and get over it.. because thats all you really can do.. you can't sit here and cry or yell or stomp around. it honestly doesn't help a bit. We all learn to move on eventually from things. But with me dealing with PSTD its a lot harder, to cope. The past comes back in flash backs & I honestly hate it. There are days I just want to curl up for 1 day and do nothing.. But I get to bored doing just that. I'm kinda thinking to myself lately, how badly I want to move out of this apartment building and rent a farm house. It would be amazing, but that won't happen for a while.. Houses are expensive, living in the country not so much BUT trying to get around is another story... It's all good though, maybe if I just relax sit down one day and write like I'm doing now. My stress level can go down a bit. I can BREATH properly. Wouldn't that be a nice feeling, I've noticed even if peole aren't reading these, I'm feeling better. Getting how I feel out, and it's a lot easier to type than to write. It just flows to my mind, and my fingers type... I guess I've always been a better typer than writter. I use to want to write books, become an actress. I had so, so soooo many dreams. But those all came crashing down because my low self esteem took over. I felt such like a loser, I had ideas of love storys, heart breaks, movies teenagers could relate too. So many movies, aren't all that relastic. I wanted to create a movie that all teenagers could relate to, from abuse, bullying, drugs, starving, obestiy etc. Just everything, every angle that people seem to miss.. It's not a circle at all, there are so many people with problems. It be nice to be able to create a movie, to say. I'm here, I know what your going through and your not alone.. That would be wonderful.

Even write a book, but who reads really anymore?? Not many people that I know of... Books are turning into tv shows & movies.... So if I could just write a book get it published maybe someone, somewhere would like to create a movie about my book.. It could happen right?
*sighs* All dreams, dreams I can wish and hope come true but the chances of it happening are RARE! I mean it.

But anyways, I have been writting for a while. I'm sure people won't read this much. So I will end it here.. Until next time! over & out.

Living in apartment buildings

2012-01-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I honestly hate it, I mean sure its nice cause I live near friends & such. But at the same time it sucks how the landlord deals with things. First, rent you must love it. Thankfully I'm never late on payments. That is always the first thing I do when I get money, rent. Than you have your bills, thankfully all I pay for is hydro and nothing else. Heat is thankfully included, as is water. Living in a house would be nice, but chances of finding a house for rent cheap enough to afford and yet everything inclusive is another thing. It would be nice though.. The other down fall to apartments is, walls aren't that thick. I mean, you can hear people talking, stomping around late at night. Well not everyone, it depends on the person. Thus another reason I don't like apartment buildings! People who vandalize, such as stealing money out of the washing machines. Totally not cool, I won't even use the washing machines here.
1.) It's now locked 24 hours, and you must get a key.
2.) If you don't remember to hand back your key and something happens, its all on you.
3.) I just don't trust it!

I'd rather spend the extra money and use a laundry mat OR use my parents when they are around. Laundry is a must, but I just couldn't use the one in my apartment building. Another thing, people who steal. You can't leave your door unlocked, well at least in some apartment buildings. I'm speaking in general here (houses included). People could easily break in.

Sadly my apartment was broken into, even with the door unlocked. How they managed to get into my apartment building with my door locked and a dead-bolt. Is honestly beyond me! But they stole enough stuff for me to reliaze, don't trust it. If your going down to check mail, throw garbage away or quickly walk your animal. Lock it, it takes 10-20 seconds to do so and its better to be safe than sorry. Another thing, get INSURANCE! It costs maybe 400-500 dollars a year. Expensive if you don't really have the money, but it saves you in the long run. What happens if there is a fire, or water damage something that was not in your control. You will get money back, all your stuff may be gone but they will give you money so you can at least start over or close to it. Something you should look into.

Broken appliances, yes you must love them. Broken fridge, stove maybe? If your landlord is choosing not to fix it, right a letter copy it so you have one as well. Get a witness to sign it as well as you date it.. Stating he/she has 30 days to fix or get a new one or your taking it to the tentant board. There are so many things, people don't reliaze when moving/living/renting a place. So start looking..

You can have pets, when living in apartment buildings. There is a pet clawse act you should look into, that landlords try to make you think you can't have pets As long as they arent a bother to other people, destroying the place you may have your pets.

Anyways, :) enough about that.. The joys of living in apartment buildings. One day very soon, I plan to move get a nice house in the country. Away from the city, but close enough to still get in a vehicle to do what I need to do in the city. Much love, love you all!

My teenage years

2012-01-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

I honestly regret them, when I started grade 9. I was stoaked at a fresh start. To maybe finally have friends, and people hang with me. Little did I know, I was heading to what I believe to be the worse school in the city of London, Ontario. It's full of bullies, and in my mind teachers who have no idea what they are doing to teach students properly. I did fine for maybe the first couple weeks, eventually I was making friends at least I thought they were friends. But they were using me, back stabbing me behind my back.. Friends who I thought I could count on and trust to be there for me.. I eventually went into a deep dark depression which I guess you would call "manic depression" I hated the world, and honestly everyone in it.. The more I was getting bullied not just by females, but actually physcailly/verbally abused by what I call boys. I started to loose it, I started to get pissed off and started fights. Aiming to get suspended just to get away from school, I eventually just started skipping all the time.. To eventually not going at all.. Who cares right? It's just education, it didn't get any better not attending school. I was still in a bad state and eventually ran away from home for well good.. Regreting it, mostly cause I was with this horrible guy from 2004-2007. I don't want to get into detial, but I did worse things I wish I never did, I turned into this evil person who hated my family. Wanted nothing to do with them.

Childrens aid, eventually stepped in to rescue me from this abuse I was getting from my boyfriend. They saved me in a way, though I didn't think it back than I know it's the case. In 2007, they put me into a treatment center and NO not a rehab for drugs. I hated it at first, but eventually grew to love living there. I got at least 2 1/2 years of my education while being there. I'm now living on my own, have an amazing boyfriend that I love dearly! and I have amazing friends and my family is back in my life. I may have had a horrible teenage life, but its made me stronger and its one of those things you are greatful for. I was givin a second chance and I'm so thankful I took it because if I didn't I might be dead, or doing worse drugs than what I was actually doing.. Life is good for me now, though these haunting nightmares come back from when I was younger... I am better than ever, and have so much more to look forward too.

Movies tonight

2012-01-14T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well tonight the boyfriend and I are going to see the newest Mission Impossible movie at 10 tonight. I'm stoaked, not just for the yummy taste of melted gooey buttery popcorn! But to be going out and spending it with this wonderful boyfriend of mine.. The movie is 2 hours long though, so it better be good... I mean, anyone else loves movies as much as me.. I got tons, I'm obessed with movies.. I have this dream to accomplish one day, doesn't matter if its a small part or a big part. I want to be in a movie, a movie though that people will watch and can say "hey I know that girl" that be nice. It's just a dream though, maybe if I fight hard enough it can happen.. Can only hope though. I'm super tired though, sleep would be nice! But not going to happen, I need to take the dog out for his evening pee, and yes pooh too.. Hey we all have to do that durning the day/evening etc. His a good dog though "PUG LIFE FOREVER"... His one of a kind, Magnum is his name.. Such a complete suck..

You know what else I'm stoaked for? The fact that every day, summer is almost here. I want to go swimming, tan and live on a beach. Okay did that one already, but still. Life is good, I'm happy.. We live, we die. So might as well have one heck of a life.. Enjoying it, spending it with people I love.. If you know what I mean, what else. Oh, so I'm thinking of dying my hair at the end of the month.. Toss up between red, and dark chocolate brown. Boyfriend hates red, but everyone else loves it. Seems all hair colours so far have suited me. I haven't done blond yet though. So I have no clue about that one, plus I don't really want to find out... NOOO way ;) do I want the blonde jokes to come about. The weekend is almost over, time is flying by.. It's half way through January and I'm still writting 2011 on papers, and documents. Hmm anyone else doing that?? I've even been in "la la" land and put 2010...
Time has flown by this year I will be 22. Seems Like only yesterday I was turning 19. Ah well, the joys of getting older..

Its Friday

2012-01-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

Well its offically Friday. The snow is back, and I have a feeling its finally here to stay. This cold, wet stuff I like but at the same time I don't like.. It makes me depressed, this cold weather. All I feel like doing is sleeping, and thats about it. Not very healthy! But what can you do? When your also broke, besides taking the dog for a walk maybe getting something at the store, or going out with the boyfriend some where. I don't do much, it's all good though! I'm not depressed, as in wanting to kill myself. Just hate this weather. But 2012 is here, in the sense barly any snow. Maybe we will be getting all the heat, and flordia and such will start getting the snow. But can't really be the judge of that, nobody can. It is in gods hands I suppose... What can you do honestly about it anyways. Here is everyone running around, building shelters, and everything. The weather channel has enough issues predicting today/tomorrows weather let alone what will be going on in a year.I believe, we all will stay alive. But the world as we know it will be coming to an end. I think I can handle that, depending on what it is. I mean, having no cell phones and facebook is all good. As long as I still have my family, friends & lovely boyfriend in my life I will be happy. I mean thats all I need, everything else is just stuff. I don't know what will happen on Dec 21,2012! But all I know is, I need to contiune what I'm doing living my life and not stressing about it. Because in the end, there is not a whole lot I can do about it. So time to suck it up, and just live my life. :)

Finally found love

2012-01-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

I finally found love.. All this time, I wondered how does it feel like to be loved? I only loved one other guy who was a piece of shit and can burn in hell.. Now off him!

Rick, his changed me. Into a better person, made me feel, have hope and want to be sucessful. If it wasn't for me, I would be still the loner I always am. Now I'm social, well more than I use to be. He makes me feel so warm inside, I still get these butterflys when I see him or when we kiss. The feeling takes my breath away. I feel so complete with him, we barly fight let alone argue. We may get snippy with each other but who doesn't? I know what I feel is real.. I don't need to explain to everyone why I love him so much. You just know! Whether you admit it or not to yourself. Here is the story on how we met..
I live on my own, have for over a year and a half. Back in Jan/Feb of 2011. I was taking garbage out, when this guy (not saying names) thought I would be perfect for Rick. He said, hey would you like to come over for a few drinks. I said sure, just gonna take my garbage out and be back up. I knocked on his door, walked in. I got to meet Rick for the first time. I loved his smile, and his laugh. First off I responded, you guys are not gonna "rape me right". They laughed, ha. We were there for hours.. At that time I was seeing an asshole, but eventually dumped him. All his friends wanted him to be happy, and i'm so happy it was me that got to do it. I honestly love his friends so much. After a few months of getting to know Rick we started dating, and I've been happy ever since. We broke up for about a month, but thanks again to some of his wonderful friends we got back together and have been super happy since than..

i honestly love him, and nothings going to change that no matter what happens in the next day, weeks, months, years. this type of love stays around forever.. and this is the good type of love, that I don't want to it to end. I'm not saying his the love of my life, or my soulmate. But his a guy I would never want to hurt, nor leave. I love him that is for sure, and I plan to stay with him for as long as I can.. Love has taken over me, and I love the feeling of it..

Rick C, I love you dearly.. You are the greatest.

First blog

2012-01-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

Alright, I have never done these blogs much before... But maybe they will help, it will help me feel better with all the pain and stress that loves to bottle up inside me. I seriously hope this works.
Life is good with me don't get me wrong, but deep down there is this pain that won't leave me.. Dreams consume me at night, I remember back when I was 15 and ran away the next 2 years. And suffer the most horriblest abuse ever, from being beat, to raped, to sexual assaulted, to being trampled on called "stupid, loser, slut, whore" those words stuck with me.. I started to believe it, he was suppose to be my boyfriend. But yet, he was the devil himself.. He was pure evil, he had no remorse for the way he treated me. He cheated on me not once, or twice but for the whole 4 years we were together. Not only was he abusing me, so was his roomate.. And even some of there friends, being tormented by men who were suppose to be a real MAN.. I can't turn my head and walk away from this.. It's easy durning the day when I got my friends, family and my boyfriend there. But at night, when all is asleep.. The world has not yet stoppped, but in my world it has.. The nights,days of these horrible memories haunt me..

There are days, I want to scream, and find these things you would call men who hurt me so & teach them a lession they won't forget. But what would that proove? I'm not that low anyways, pfff somedays I wish I was.. No care, maybe things would be easier.. But wait, before you judge me.. I will always care about the ones who love me, and I love back or at least like... Not neccearsly love.
But I have changed my ways. HELLO 2012 is here, there is a new me. But to those who have hurt me, treated me like shit. Your time is up, your no longer gonna get me down..
But even if these dreams are always going to be a haunting memory. I know 1 thing, I survived and its made me stronger than ever... One day, when I finally beat these dreams, I will be complete.. A new person, but until that day, I will contiune to fight, fight for me. Fight for all those who have gone through abuse. It's something that can't be forgotton and certinailty not ignored.